Listening
“Wait, if it’s a burrito war, then everyone should be involved in that play!”
“No, because that burrito touched me!”
“Yeah, but it didn’t touch Matthew, so shouldn’t I be able to pick it up and throw it at her?”
“No, because it got me out.”
“Well then why is it called a burrito war? How is that any different than a burrito brawl?”
“I already told you, because I’m out!”
“Ok, just listen… what if I throw it at Matthew and it misses, can’t Nora pick it up and throw it again?”
excetera, excetera, excetera… Yes, but you’re not hearing what I’m asking!”
“Yes I AM, I already told you… “
This continues until Jennifer gets mad, throws the burrito and walks out of the room. Everyone puts their cards back in the box and goes on to some other activity, their phones, or staring out the window. Later, after we calm down, Jennifer tries again to explain what we couldn’t effectively communicate about earlier. This time, we’re trying harder to stay calm. We’re trying harder to listen and not interrupt each other. We’re making an effort to express ourselves more clearly. Finally, we come to the conclusion that earlier, neither one of us was really listening to the other person. Or at least one of us couldn’t be sure they were being understood. And until they could feel like they were being heard, and understood, it was difficult for them to listen to the answer being given. That was one of the first signs we had in our family that showed, we really could use some help in the listening department.
A couple weeks go by and Jennifer stumbles across a worksheet she’d gotten a few years back, in a class meant to teach mental health skills. The worksheet is all about the 6 Levels of Validation, which is a very helpful listening skill. She decides to show the rest of the family. We all gathered around the table one night because she wanted us to read it together, each with our own copy in front of us. As it went along, some of us were distracted, teasing their neighbor, fidgeting with random objects left on the table, etc. On several occasions, Jennifer pleads for us to “just listen!” A couple of us even crack a few jokes or get distracted, “hey, did you guys hear about that…etc” Eventually we make it through all 6 skills and she challenges us to think about what we learned and try to practice in the coming week.
The VERY next day, guess what the chapter is on in my communications class? Yep. Listening. Not just hearing, because sound waves are always coming at us through our ears going to our brains, but really listening. Listening is different than hearing. Listening is an active process of receiving and understanding.